Talking about the future is something most families try to avoid. Why? Because it’s tough to face the unknown, and it can feel uncomfortable for everyone involved. But planning is crucial, and having these conversations will help everyone feel more prepared.
Here’s why it’s so tricky:
- Adjusting to new circumstances can be difficult.
- Older family members don’t want to feel like a burden.
- Younger relatives worry about handling all the caregiving responsibilities.
- When adult children step into caregiving roles, it can create tension.
Here are a few simple ways to get started. Prefer to listen instead? Check out our podcast episode here.
Five Ways to Start the Conversation
1. “It’s not you, it’s me”
Take the pressure off by explaining that talking about the future brings you peace of mind. It’s natural for parents to want to help their children, and vice versa.
"I’m worried I don’t know what you’d want me to do if something happened... Can we talk about a few things?"
2. “We’re in this together”
Frame the conversation as something that will benefit both of you. Use milestone birthdays to focus on the future.
"We aren’t getting any younger, are we? Can we chat about what life might look like when you’re 80 and I’m 55?"
3. “Remember that time...”
Use a recent event, even a small one, as the catalyst for the conversation.
"That fall in the garden last week got me thinking about home safety. Can we talk about services that might help?"
4. “Let’s plan ahead”
For those who love order, propose setting aside time to review things once a year.
"How about we catch up once a year to make sure everything’s up to date?"
5. “My friend John...”
Leverage a friend's experience to start the conversation. It can help your loved one see the importance of planning ahead.
"My friend John’s uncle ran out of money for care and ended up in a bad situation. Can we talk about how we’ll avoid that?"
Tips for Success
- Prepare your questions: Have a list of what you want to cover before starting.
- Be informed: Use Podplan to gather information beforehand. Vague conversations lead to vague plans.
- Respect autonomy: Make it clear that your loved ones’ decisions are their own.
- Give your full attention: Turn off distractions and listen actively.
- Avoid commands: Instead of telling someone what to do, try asking questions or suggesting ideas.
- Pace yourself: If necessary, break the conversation into smaller, manageable talks.
- Look for solutions: Try to understand what’s motivating different opinions and work towards finding common ground.
- Choose the right time and place: Pick a quiet, comfortable spot where everyone feels at ease.
- Be patient, but persistent: If there’s resistance, suggest one big conversation a year, with quick check-ins after that.
- Take notes: Keep track of decisions and the date you discussed them so you can revisit later.
Starting these conversations can be tough, but once you do, you’ll feel more confident knowing everyone’s on the same page!